Yoselin parked off to the side of the road and I got out of the car. I had a cell phone that I barely knew how to use in my pants pocket. “I’ll see you in two hours.” she said and the car pulled away, leaving me there.
She’d dropped me on the picnic grounds and I needed to find you. You would be up river at our usual stop. With a sigh I jumped up onto one of the tables and started walking north. I played a game like I’d done when I was younger; I jumped from rocks to logs, trying not to touch the ground.
It was a stupid game but it took my mind off you. Once I ran out of things to walk on, I started counting trees, birds and any other object that caught my eyes.
It took me about twenty minutes to reach you and by then my head was full of numbers. That’s not the greatest combination because I’m barely passing math 11.
Your bike was parked in the bushed and you shoes, coat and shirt formed a pile on the sand. You’d rolled up your jeans and were standing in the water, skipping stones along the surface.
I stood there, not knowing what to say, not after what I’d done to you. I hate apologizing because it acknowledges the fact that I was wrong. There’s nothing wrong with that but an apology has the implication that I screwed up tacked onto it as well.
In the end I didn’t need to say anything. I stepped on a loose stone and tripped, falling flat on my face causing an amusing spectacle, announcing my presence to the world. It sounds like something out of a lame movie but contrary to popular belief all lame movies are real.
“What are you doing Jules?” you asked as you stepped out of the water and quickly put your shirt on. The act was almost feminine as if you felt you were exposing too much to me.
And who the hell decided that femininity was passive and masculinity was dominant? Remind me to shoot them.
“I’m repenting.” I sighed as I pulled myself up and dusted sand and dirt off the designer jeans Tierney had dressed me in. She’d kill me once she saw the stains I was now sporting.
You said nothing and neither did I; we just stared at each other. There was no electrical current like in those cheesy romance novels Tiffany’s got stuffed under her bed. All I could feel between us was guilt.
“Jules don’t do this to me.” you whispered and I felt my body jump. I don’t think you saw it though because your hand was covering your face.
“Do what?” I asked.
“Don’t come and ask that we go back to how we used to be,” you groaned, “You know I can’t do that.”
“I’m not asking for that!” I yelled as I spun around and grabbed hold of your arms. My voice sounded too loud and broken in my ears with an anxious hitch in it.
“What are you asking for then?” you asked. The look on your face told me that you were no longer expecting anything from me. I could feel the twitching in your arms beneath my fingers as if I was causing you an immense physical pain.
“Look at me!” I commanded and I felt my voice break. “Do you love me?”
“Jules I thought we’d been over this.” Your voice was harsh and annoyed as you snapped back at me.
“How do you know?” I asked.
“Jules - “
“How do you know Alex?” I yelled.
“Jules let go!” I felt your arms wrench away from me and I pitched forward and hit the ground hard.
I looked up at you and saw my reflection in your eyes. It was the image of a woman’s face torn in half, twisted in pain, jealousy, rage and sadness.
“I don’t get this Alex!” I yelled, screaming almost. “I don’t get how you managed to figure out your feelings and conveniently place a label on them, forcing me to make a decision. It’s not fair you know!”
You just stood there not moving, I think you might have been unable to. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and the sick, sticky feeling they create as they ran down my cheeks.
“I’m blaming you Alex.” I muttered between the sobs that were wracking my body.
“Blaming me for what?” you asked. I hadn’t even noticed were you’d dropped down to sit beside me.
“Quit acting cool,” I said and I felt the sobs and gasping between tears starting up again. You caught my face between your hands and forced me to look at you.
“Don’t,” I muttered, “Don’t look at me.” I wiped the tears out of my eyes and the snot off my nose with my sleeve.
“Please,” I begged, all caution suddenly lost, “Don’t ever leave me again!”
This is the obvious part in the story where the guy takes the girl into his arms and kisses her. You made no move to do that and neither did I. To be honest I think we were both frozen from shock, you from my sudden, confusing confession and me from the fact that I’d just told you everything.
“You know one of us is going to have to move at some point.” I whispered.
“What if I don’t want to move?” you asked.
“Then I will,” I laughed, “My butt is getting numb.” You smiled and ran you fingers through my hair. I don’t think you meant it to be seductive, just comforting. Unfortunately, it was a little of both.
“Aren’t you going to kiss me?” I asked and I think you stopped breathing then.
“What?” you managed to choke out.
“That’s usually what happens in cheesy romance novels.”
“What have you been reading?” you asked.
“The books under Tiffany’s bed.” I replied.
“I think the question is whether or not you love me Jules?” you whispered.
“I think I do.” I replied, my voice catching as I stumbled over the words.
“You think?”
“Alex can you tell me what love is?” I asked, “I can’t ever remember someone saying they loved me.”
“I love you,” you said.
“How do I know you’re not lying though?” I begged. All remains of my pride were gone and I was begging you to reassure my fears as false.
“Because you’re all I think about,” My breath caught and I could feel my heart thudding in my chest.
“That’s a really, really cheesy line you know,” I muttered. I could feel the blush creeping along my face. When I go red it makes it look like I’m dying of exhaustion, creating a perfect tomato impression.
“Yeah,” you whispered, “I know.” Somehow I managed to gain an immense amount of courage and I slowly lifted your hand from my face and laced my fingers through yours.
“That took a lot of courage you know,” I whispered, my voice barely audible, “So why don't you muster up some courage and kiss me?”
I closed my eyes and waited nervously, partially because I was afraid to see your reaction. I felt your free hand move up and slowly grasp my shoulder. I could feel your fingers slowly squeeze mine and then your lips pressed against my mouth.
My hand went up to grasp hold of your shirt because I didn’t know what to do. I tightened my fingers in yours looking for a type of reassurance.
Your grip on me was almost too tight and I could feel your teeth bump against mine. Neither of us knew what we were doing. It was still the closest thing to romance that I’d experienced.
After you let go, we just sat together on the sand. We made no moves to unlock our hands and said nothing. We stayed like that for ages.
After I left you and climbed back into Yoselin’s car and making you promise to go to school tomorrow, I realized something.
That was the first time you kissed me and that was surprising. You’d never even tried to kiss me, not even when we’d slept together.
