perfect

and this is ecstatic

the beat of your body

within mine

the rush of the blood

along the length of

my limbs

as i rock forward into

your arms

laughing

i cannot stop smiling

for everything feels

perfect now

forever

it's as if forever
could suddenly explode

and we are all liars
black along the charcoal
sweet white within
the lines of your blood
as i lean in
to kiss the red blur of your lips
but miss in a laugh
against the curve of your
cheek

some one tell me
this
will go on and on
and on and on until
the lines of each element
of my skin
become transparent
beneath the morning
light bright against the shadows
of the sheet draped
along the length of
your hips
and the scent of your hair
your face and body
mixed within mine
until i can no longer tell
when you are ending
and whether i have begun
to be able to decently
tell this story
with any accuracy

and i am still waiting
for the bomb to drop
and everything to end
each and every time
i reach in to kiss you

when i pull back
you are still smiling
though

happy

part three

you tell me

you love me

and i wish to stop breathing

curl my body forward into yours

clutch my fingers

against your shoulders

breath your scent in

and almost will myself to cry

as i am overcome

i hope you know how

happy you make me

something other

why is it now
though i think i knew
understood it in the end
the pull of this
force by something other
than magic
that maybe i can heal it over
by the press of her hips to mine
the tangle of her fingers
in my hair
and the tug as she pulls
me to her
fingers locked to the collar
of my shirt
as she takes me down
out
across the sheets
and in the end
this is fantasy
smoke along the shallow curve
of my back
the trace of my gaze
up her legs until
i reach her breasts
and look away

funny though
for by the end of it
i had to unpack it all
trace my face in the mirror
and dig deep enough
the squeeze the valve
of my heart open
and push all the blood
out across the floor
because

i am sleeping
with him
his teeth a bite along
the edge of my skin
his fingers digging into my hips
my arms clinging to him
as i whisper (i love you,
i love you, i
love you) in an attempt
to spread this truth
out along the axis of
my heart

and i'm still watching her

in the end

part two

i told you
i love you (i love you)
quickly without breath
in my memories
of the embellishment
of the act
and the tug of the words
from my lips
in one go
almost to the point where
i wondered if
i'd just thrown
my confession away
i told you
i love you (i love you)
"really?" you asked
really, truly
actually,
probably by now
for long enough that
i am no longer fighting it
and this will only
grow from here
i told you
i love you (i love you)
and you asked for time
but i knew that
before i decided to speak
i knew that as i
opened my mouth
i knew that as
i watched your face
in response and
it's ok
i'll give it to you
willingly

for i see no reason why
we won't get there
in the end

make do

part one

i was going to write
you a confession
to tell you
i love you (i love you)
probably filled with words about
the way you make me feel
written like all other poems
and all other loves
shared by
other people
so generic that in the end
i couldn't
i was going to write
you a love poem
in confession
about it all
and i can't
not sure why
or how or when
but this relationship is now
everything
not in a creepy or
desperate manner
but in a fashion that it's
slightly too large
to kiss open across the page
in a way that makes
any sense at all
i was going to write
you a confession
to tell you
i love you (i love you)
but instead
wrote one
on why i couldn't

you'll just have to
make do with this

Set Me on Fire

“Do you hear that?” you asked.

“Hear what?” I asked as I reached for your hand.

You stared at me and for a moment I wasn’t sure if you’d take it. But slowly you reached forward and laced your fingers through mine and the beat of my heart intensified. “I don’t know,” you said, “It sounded like thunder.”

“Do you want to turn back?” I asked, even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. I watched you as you bit your lip in silence while the wind occasionally stirred. The air was hot and hard enough to kiss your breath away and smoke was still rising out in the distance. My dad was out there fighting the fires, my mom thought we were at the rec centre and your parents were opening another round of beers on the front porch with Grandma. And at any moment our lie could shatter, if my mom called my cell and heard it go off in my bedroom because I probably forgot to put in on silence. If Medrith stopped by for a chat with your mom after she got off shift and said she didn’t see us walk past the store. If my ex stopped by after swim practice to ask if I wanted to give it another shot. Anything could happen and by the time we got home, there would be much screaming and crying. For only idiots go into the bush alone during forest fire season without telling anyone where they’re going.

“No,” you said, “Let’s keep going.” You squeezed my hand for reassurance before we moved forward into the bush.

You once told me when we were kids, it wasn’t summer unless some part of the province was on fire. That August I watched a lot of CBC News since my mother had it constantly playing on TV and listened to the local gossip as it made its way across town. Medrith told me as she rung up my groceries that the RCMP would be evacuating us soon and that they’d have to drag her out of her house by the hair before she left. Sam at the museum said it would go around us like it always did and then spoke of his gardening plans for the summer and offered to pay me to mow his lawn and give you a job weeding once you arrived. By the time autumn had rolled around, the adults were referring to that summer as ‘the Burning Fields’ and the news was reporting it as the worse forest fire season BC had ever seen. But early on, it hadn’t seemed like it could be that bad. My mother packed our bags like usual and had them ready at the front door, ‘in case of an emergency’ she told me, and then proceeded to carry on with the plans for the family reunion at the end of the week. No one had plans to evacuate.

It was boiling the day everyone arrived. I’d been sitting on the porch, looking out across the river to the highway on the other side to see if I could figure out who’s vehicle was who’s as I watched them trek forward through the haze. By the time the first car arrived temperature had reached obscene, another fire had started near Cash Creek and my mother had just finished making the salad. Four more cars arrived within the hour and I suffered through all the hugs and kisses. Before everyone had arrived, my mother had sat me down to have a talk about being polite and actually visiting with the family this time. “Sarah’s the same age as you,” she said, “You can introduce her to all your friends.” I didn’t respond out of resentment, for most of my friends had left for Kelowna, Vancouver or Victoria to check out the universities. We couldn’t afford that and the reunion had been deemed more important so I’d been left alone in Lillooet, and the only person left I could tolerate was my ex and he wasn’t speaking to me after I broke up with him when he asked me if we could make it official. He then promptly started dating one of my friends and we were currently not on speaking terms.

You’d died your hair blonde since the last time I’d saw you and were wearing summer clothes that showed off your body in a way I didn’t remember you doing before. And the feeling I got when I saw you was so quick I pushed it aside in panic. I didn’t need this. “Emily,” yelled my mother, “Come say hello to Sarah!”

You smiled and I felt part of my heart drop away. I silently began praying for the end of the world, for this town to burn down and for all the people who couldn’t understand me to go with it. Or at very least, for the next week to pass quickly until you left.



“So you’d be sleeping in my room,” I said as I lead you down the stairs, “We have to share the bed though, unless you want to sleep on the floor. But if you do, there’s no cushions or anything ‘cause Uncle Barry got the couch.”

“The bed’s fine,” you said as I pushed open the door and dropped your backpack next to the dresser. We just kind of stared at each other awkwardly while people began to rearrange the furniture upstairs so everyone could eat. “I missed you,” you said, “You didn’t spend that much time with us last Christmas.” I swallowed and lowered my head.

“Sorry. I just couldn’t be in the house.” I whispered.

“I know.” And when I looked up I could see in your eyes that you knew. Or at very least suspected it.

“Please don’t tell anyone.” I begged. I already knew what would happen, what would be said. My mother would cry and my father would deny it. And then I would suffer here until I graduated or dropped out of school so I could work. Neither option was appealing.

“I won’t,” you reassured me. I bit down my panic and was conveniently rescued as my mother called us for dinner.

“Will your dad be joining us?” you asked as we headed towards the stairs.

“God no,” I said. “He got called away to Cash Creek shortly before you arrived.”

The dinner table was full with food and everyone was eating on the floor. My uncles had already pulled out a case of beer and your mom was half way through it with my aunt.

“Emily,” called your mom as we passed by to grab plates and cutlery, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?”

“I dumped him,” I said. And everyone’s laughter drowned out me asking whether you wanted a knife or not.



By mid-afternoon the next day I could tell you were bored out of your skull. Whatever show we’d been watching had been interrupted for a special news bulletin about another fire. No one was listening though and I’d quickly put in on mute. My mom was cooking lunch and everyone else was tipsy on the porch as the kids ran around screaming in the yard. “We should do something, anything,” you said.

“We could go swimming,” I suggested as I watched the anchorman point wildly to various points on a map to indicate where the fire was spreading. Around a third of the map was red as the mountains burst into flames. Dire warnings had been issued for the Kootnays, the Okanagan Valley and there were plans of evacuation in the air all across the province.

“I didn’t bring a swimsuit though,” you said.

“You can borrow one of mine,” I offered.

“That’s not going to be of much use,” replied your dad as he eyed my chest. I bit down the urge to tell him to fuck off and grabbed your hand, pulling you downstairs before I did anything stupid.

“I’m sorry about that,” you said as I closed my bedroom door behind me and collapsed face first onto the bed.

“Nothing new,” I mumbled. I felt the bed shift as you sat down beside me and then the cold touch of your hand on my neck. I sat up with a start and slapped your hand away.

“Don’t,”

“It’s okay,”

“It’s weird. It’s gross.” You smiled. And I was too concerned about myself to notice whether you were sad when I said that. But you knew, and I was scared of that. I’d gotten used to hiding and the fact that another person could accidentally out me was terrifying.

“Let’s go for a walk,” you suggested. I went upstairs to leave a note on the fridge to say we’d left for the rec centre. We then left by the back door while everyone was drinking.



“Watch for cactuses,” I told you as we slowly made our way through the path. No one had seen us going up the driveway and heading down the path that leads through the bush to the river. The air was electric as the sun burned above us and the sound of grasshoppers echoed all the way down the mountainside as we pushed through the grass. Across the valley I could see storm clouds rolling in from Seaton Lake and made a mental note to remember to take the laundry off the line when we got back.

“We should have worn sunscreen,” you muttered.

“Try and live a little,” I replied as I pushed an overhanging branch back, “Become a country girl.”

“Kamloops is not a cosmopolitan city.”

“It is compared to here.” I laughed.

“Are you going to leave here?” I could still feel your hand in mine and as you said that you gently squeezed before continuing on. “You can’t come out, you have no hope of finding a girlfriend and the social repercussions would be huge. Plus unless you want to study at the TRU satellite school or work, there’s nothing left here. Heck, you can’t even find work.”

“I know that,” I snapped, “Why the fuck wouldn’t I? You think I don’t know what they’ll say, that my ex will start talking about how frigid I am? That my parents would kick me out and that I probably wouldn’t be able to graduate? Jesus Christ, Sarah, I know this shit! Why would anyone who’s different want to stay here?”

You stopped and turned to me. “Are you a lesbian?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, barely able to face you, “I just can’t stand it here though.”

We stood in silence, still holding hands as the wind slowly picked up. As I raised my eyes, you slowly leaned in and kissed me. “Can I do it again?” you whispered as you pulled back.

I nodded and nearly became undone when you pressed your mouth to mine again and leaned into me, your hands resting gently on my hips. It was raining by the time the kiss was over and I could hear people yelling our names in the distance.

“Let’s go back,” you said. Overhead the thunder was starting and later that night the mountainside would be ablaze as the flames raced their way down, devouring all the trees and scrub until it reached the first houses on the outskirts of town before they managed to put it out.

All I could do was nod though, heart thudding and the taste of you still on my lips a reminder of what had just happened. You kept your hand in mine until we rounded the bend and then let go to raise it in signal of where we were.