Waking Up Part II

It was dark when I awoke. No light was visible, and all I could hear was the soft sound of your breathing. In and out, in and out… so gently that I knew you were asleep.
I could feel the old, worn sheets beneath me, and the blankets were wrapped around me like a serpent. The serpent was going to kill me. That was certain.
Your arm fit perfectly around my waist. For some reason, women’s bodies seem to fit perfectly with things. Maybe that’s why they keep making musical instruments after our hips. We’re just the right shape.
I fit perfectly with you. I could feel your arm over top of my ribs, and the way our legs were tangled together. I couldn’t see anything, though. That feeling was getting stronger the longer I laid there and listened to your breathing.
It was dark, and then I began to panic.

I couldn’t see. The light was too strong. I’d shut the bathroom door so I wouldn’t wake you up.
I couldn’t wake you up. I couldn’t face you, not after what I’d done.
I threw up into the sink, but I had nothing to give, only bile as I attempted to get rid of the taste in my mouth. I turned on the tap and tried to wash it all down the sink.
When I looked up, I noticed the marks covering my body. Everywhere.
I let out a strangled scream, but caught it as I fell down onto the floor. The tile was cold, and the white reflected back into my eyes was impersonal. I couldn’t feel anything.
In my mind, it was still dark. I couldn’t see the lights as they blazed overhead. I couldn’t feel the tile beneath me, despite the fact that I was naked.
I was naked.
It was still dark and I could hear your voice, but I didn’t want to listen to the words. I didn’t want to remember what you’d told me last night.
I could still feel you, though, as your presence wrapped around me. I heard my heartbeat in my ears as it thudded in dull repetition. Bu-dum, bu-dum… over and over, over and over, as it became interwoven with your voice.
I remembered you saying that you loved me, even though you knew I was using you.
I was using you, and that thought made me try to throw up again.
I was naked, and in the bathroom mirror, I could see all the hickies you’d left on me.
Leftover reminders of last night.

You were still sleeping. I tried to move quietly as I searched around the room for my clothes. My jeans were in tatters from the climb up to your window, and the rest of my clothing was soaked from last night’s rain.
I couldn’t stop staring at you as I struggled into my clothes. You were sprawled across the bed without a care. Your hair was a circular tangle, and along your skin, I could see the marks I’d left.
All along your back and arms were scratches from my nails. On your neck was something that resembled a bite mark.
My breathing was becoming more and more irregular as I fought back the desire to start screaming. I wanted to break something, to rip my heart out and stomp on it. Maybe if I could hurt myself, I could make it up to you, because I knew that I was going to rip your heart out.
You were naked.
And I’d been naked, though I was trying to erase that fact as I dressed, attempting to hide the filth I could see growing along my skin.

I could feel the room around me. The wood floor beneath my feet, the old bookshelf filled with a child’s library, the bed with the covers rolled all into a tangle.
I could see myself in the mirror on the wall, and my reflection looked wrong. I looked like a girl. I looked like a mess. I looked like somebody’s lover who was leaving.
And you were my lover, lying there on the bed, as I got ready to run from you.
I could see Eden.
I could see paradise.
I could hear you say that you loved me. My brain repeated your voice over and over, until my screams poured over it and drowned the earth surrounding me with all its flowers.
You said you loved me.
You said you loved me, and I was waking up.
I woke up from a game you’d been playing with me, because you knew I would never, could never love you back.
And I was running.

It was dark, and the room was empty now as I shut the door behind me. Karissa was in the hall, and if she was shocked, she didn’t say anything. She pulled me away from you and got rid of me in the politest fashion possible.
It was dark, and all I could hear was my breathing.
It was dark, and I let the panic take over me because now I couldn’t wake you. My delayed reaction had started, and I couldn’t stop it.
I’d finally woken up and walked into a nightmare.

Waking Up Part I

I want to sleep
long, without disturbance,
as I’m wrapped up in an angel.
I can feel the feathers
of those wings pressing down
with a smothering affect
of warmth, and I find
that I don’t want to wake up
anymore.

what is left

You are not here.
And I am losing my will to breathe,
to move forward as I allow myself
to unroll at the seams,
careening forward into indulgence.
I am left with your weight
on my heart, your scent
crowded along the edges
of my body, teeth rattling,
breath heaving as I am gasping,
trying to fill myself full
of what memories I have
left of you
before they fail me.

Tempest Part II

The day was dark, and all one could hear was the wind as it howled and tried to blow the trees back into the earth. The rain lashed against the ground carving out rivulets as the thunder boomed overhead.
Vivienne was sleeping on the deck.
Krista sat beside her.
The heavy clank of the game pieces as they moved across the board added to the symphony of general noise around her. Her clothes were damp from the rain as it leaked and seeped onto the wood of the porch, traveling forward searching for a target to acquire.
The rain had found her, for she was sitting in front of Vivienne as a barrier.
White knight took black rook. Black pawn took white knight. The game was a front, really, for it’s hard to play by yourself unless you’re really good. Krista wasn’t, but this way, she could keep watching.
Vivienne was sleeping on the deck.
Krista sat beside her.
Theo was in the house.
The rain kept pouring down with no intention of stopping.
She had no idea why they hadn’t moved inside when the storm started. Vivienne had wanted to keep on with the game, and had smiled as she always does. In that strange way that made Krista want to kiss her.
She loved Vivienne’s sincere smiles, for they were soft to the point of wanting to wrap them around your shoulders and fall asleep. Not the slight ones she always had imprinted on her mouth, for Vivienne seemed always resigned to whatever fate God handed out to her that day.
Adam called Vivienne a saint. Krista called her an angel.
Vivienne was an angel to her, and it didn’t seem fair that Theo got to keep her all to himself.
That wasn’t fair at all.
This wasn’t jealousy. It couldn’t be, for it was too old a feeling to be named. She hated Theo with a passion because of this. People shouldn’t own angels.
The black queen took the white queen. The white king fell down with an audible thud on the board.
Vivienne was sleeping on the deck, her hair undone to bury her face under a cascade of ochre.
Krista sat beside her, slowly leaning forward to brush Vivienne’s hair away to reveal her lips.
It was something stupid that should never have happened, but it had opened a small door in her heart. She played back her favorite dream of a memory, in which she hoped Vivienne had kissed her. That day when she’d woken up, she was so embarrassed that she ran away immediately.
Vivienne was sleeping on the deck.
Krista was beside her as she leaned down and kissed Vivienne.
Theo stood in the doorway and watched.
Krista looked up and saw him after the kiss had ended.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked. Krista didn’t move as he walked over to her and wrapped his hand around her wrist, pulling her up. She couldn’t think. She had no space left in her brain as he led her back into the house, both of them leaving Vivienne on the deck, still sleeping.
Vivienne was sleeping on the deck.
Krista and Theo were in the house.
He led her to a chair and she sat down. She watched him as he pulled the camcorder down from the wall and ripped the tape from it, shredding all the evidence.
“Do you hate me?” she finally asked.
He turned toward her and smiled softly, just like Vivienne always did.
“Why would I hate you?”
“I hate you, though,” she whispered. “I hate you so much. It’s not fair that you get to monopolize her. Why is she yours?”
“That’s good to know.”
He laughed softly as he turned and set the camcorder back into place. Then he turned to her.
“Krista. Do you love her?”
“What?”
The question dropped like a bomb, tearing through her in an instant. She hit him, hard. She heard the tearing of flesh as her nails gouged his face, leaving marks she knew would sting deep.
“That’s a good answer,” he laughed, and she turned and ran. She was running as far as her legs could take her, for she didn’t need to know this. She didn’t need to open the badly sealed hole in her heart.
Vivienne was on the deck, awake as her heart was slowly being shredded.
Theo was in the house, laughing wildly as tears ran down his bleeding cheeks.
Krista was running through the yard and out onto the street as she felt the ground crack beneath her.
And the rain kept pouring down, like it was the end of the world as the thunder boomed overhead.

Tempest Part I

I want to be hit
by lightning
and feel the flash of pain
as a burning realization of thunder
sets in upon my skin.

The Birds of Paradise Part II

All children grow up. That’s a fact of life.
You grew up too fast, I think, maybe because my life spun wildly out of control every now and then, causing me to neglect you and our friendship.
I can still remember when I fell in love with you.
You’d just turned nineteen.
Everybody else had just left for home, and you were sleeping on the porch, the wind blowing through your hair, a tangled mass of black that swirled around you, creating abstract patterns against the wood.
You were sleeping, and I did something stupid.
I used to play games in my head when I was a kid, where I would create a new world in which things were the way I wanted them to be.
I wanted you to be mine. And with that desire in mind, for I couldn’t get rid of it, I slowly let myself bend forward until our heads were touching.
You were perfect like the image of a painting, features symmetrically aligned in an attempt to ensnare and seduce.
I did something stupid.
I don’t remember making the decision, or moving to act. All I know is that I kissed you, and that was a stupid idea.
You were soft and sweet, just like a china doll with the red lips, white skin, and black hair all tangled up with mine, creating an earthy mix. You didn’t stir or make any sign that you’d woken up. I felt like my heart was going to burst into a thousand pieces any second.
Any second now, and I was going to be punished for my sins.
“Vivienne.”
I looked up with a start and saw Theo watching me from the doorway.
“Has everyone left?” I asked.
“Yes.” He smiled softly, like he always did.
“Do you hate me, Theo?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking, even though I wanted to bite my tongue off and swallow it. Maybe then I could keep my mouth from acting on its own.
Theo was always smiling. He was always laughing, just like he was now. Almost like we weren’t married and he hadn’t just seen me kiss my best friend.
“Why would I hate you, Vivienne?’ he asked. “You’ve got a more logical reason to hate me.”
“Why would I hate you, Theo?” I asked.
He was already gone, though, leaving me there stunned, you still asleep beside me. Although thinking back, you could have been awake, seeing as I lost track of how long I sat there in shock.
“Hey Viv.”
I looked back and you were getting up. Your hair shielded your face so I couldn’t read your expression. “I’m gonna go, so I’ll see you later.”
“Alright.” And with that, you were gone as well, the screen door creaking shut behind you.
I don’t know how long I remained on the deck, wind pulling my hair free and your voice dancing in my ears, but eventually Yoselin dragged me inside to play dolls with her and Helena.
I needed to talk to Theo. I needed to bury myself in a pot and slam the lid on so nothing could escape. I needed to wake up and realize that I was in love with you.
I was in love with you.
I was in love with two people, and even now, I had no idea that they would both leave me so soon.

The Birds of Paradise Part I

I want to see you
laughing,
just like your ghost
as she whispers in my ear
of a memory I silenced
and my enjoyment of
staining the two of us
red, with a ticket
down to hell.