Monday, 10 February 2014

spaces

there's the cool air that hovers in my vision as you slow your hands, run them along my skin, my jeans, touching, just touching as you pull back and gently return, just touching me. and the anticipation crawling along my skin by the time you hit me is almost better than the pain itself.

everything is blurry here, as i shudder, collapse and cave inwards to myself in a mess of desire, of what you do to me, what i need from you. i would will this piece to be nothing but the truth, not even confession for i am years past places of shame, long before i met you. i do not know how to write this desire crawling along the dark spaces of my bones though, the hollows of my neck as you bite me, the curve of my ass as you spank me and the tug of my hair as you grab the strands and pull. for it is almost impossible to write the lines between fiction, fantasy and fact while the embellishments fester within these spaces. i would will myself to attempt it though. even if i do not fully understand it, even if i do not know where it started from.

there were the lines of my nails across my neck, face and arms in an attempt to cool the matter as i broke down, claw out the blood, blink and move forward, breath shaky through the moment. and the pain is sweet, barely crisp, possibly razor thin as it stings it's way along my skin and fade quickly. i repeated the process, each time the pain duller than before until i could no longer use it as a method to cope.

there were those nights in the dark, computer screen lit, paperback open, jean unbuttoned as i lower myself back into the curve of the bed in fascination. i am unable to recognize this though, even though everything has been building towards it. i allow myself to think of all the things i could do to him. and don't worry when the fantasies are fleeting and brief for i have not yet recovered from the idea that i could be a sexual being, something desired and to hold desire for other people. 

there are still those poems i wrote for him, though he has never read any of them and i have no intention of having him do so. the curve of the words are dark, black in the emptiness and the belief that i am broken, that maybe he can fix me, that i could be happy being anything he wanted me to be, a doll, his girl, a fuck toy. that it would be enough even if he didn't love me if he could just physically hurt me rather than allowing me to repeatedly break my heart in the shadows.

but still, i have never used the pain and the anticipation to harm myself, other than in self-depreciation and fantasy. and this i am proud of.

i can still remember the first time you kissed me. and i say kissed me rather than we kiss due to the fact that i did not know what to do. you're smiling, in a way that breaks my heart now, as you slowly close the gap between us. i do not remember if you had both your hands on my hips, or one in my hair or cupped against my cheek. only the sensation that i am falling and never want it to stop as you tell me to open my mouth a bit more and kiss me again. i grip your shoulders awkwardly and when you pull back i am both disappointed and relieved for i have no idea where to look now.

i think we've kissed five times now, though i'm not sure. but i text you and say that we should make out, setting the time for when i see you tomorrow. we spend the first part of the night dicking around at denny's until the moment comes and i am too scared to make a move, forcing you to. i ask if i can sit on your lap, overcome with the ever growing desire to try and climb into you, as if it could be possible to remove as much space between us. and when i ask you to bite me minutes later out of instinct it's all i can do but gasp and moan as you do, the bruises blooming on my neck at the end of the night  spectacular.

for this is subspace

the hollow ring of my breath in the air, the clawing of my body in an attempt to open myself wider for you, the whistle of air before you bring the belt down and the shudder that overcomes me as i allow it to take me over. deep enough that i can't explain the pull, the desire of it all for what you give me, even though that's all i wish to be able to do. i want you to hurt me, please me, break me. break me.

though this goes both ways as i give and i get. for i've never had any fear that i'd get hurt, either by myself or by you.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

After the War

The noise from the common room below drifted faintly through the open crack of the window, the thuds of tankards coming together with the sounds of dance and raucous laughter as the night deepened into drink. He slowly poured himself a glass of ale from the pitcher on the table, threw back his head, and drank it quickly. With a sigh he lowered the cup back onto the tray, next to the pitcher and the half-eaten loaf of bread. The road had been long, and he had traveled it far enough to lose what remained of his appetite since the Nemarrda had retreated back into the shadows of the Vanya Rassa, to hide and rebuild among the shadows of the trees, or so the bards sang. They’d left the cities ransacked, the blood of old battles drying along the outer walls of the city as the thieves picked their way clean through the dead’s possessions.

He was tired. Absentmindedly he ran his fingers over the handle of the dagger attached to his belt. He drew the blade from its sheath and held it before him in the dim light, his fingers tracing the damaged insignia upon the pommel.

From outside, the shouts announcing the changing of the guards upon the city’s outer wall reached him. He slid the dagger back in its sheathe and ran his fingers through his hair one more time to shake free the last dust of the road. They would be looking for her within the next hour once she failed to show up for her shift. He walked towards the window and shut it quietly, the sounds of the city outside and the bar below fading, before he turned to face the woman sprawled out across the bed. With the pitcher in hand he started forward towards her.



The ale was lukewarm but stung as it hit her face. Gasping, she let her training take over as she rolled to the left. She got halfway off the bed before the chain that was tethered around her right wrist stopped her. Her eyes flew open as she strained against the weight of the bed, the chain growing taunt with each struggle. She reached with her left hand for the dagger at her belt, debating on whether it would be easiest to kill her captor or to break the shackle around her wrist.

“How was your sleep, Duckling?”

She paused, her fingers hovering over the spot where her dagger normally rested only to find it missing. Her head pounded and seconds passed before her breathing to slowed back to normal. She turned slowly to face him, the chain clinking as she repositioned herself into a crouch on the bed.

The lantern on the far wall above the table flickered dimly and the torch light from the streets spilled across the room, placing shadows across the angles of his face. He wore his travels well despite the unkempt growth on his jaw and the coolness of his eyes as he watched her. His hair hung lank against his cheeks in need of a wash and he had not bothered to brush the dust from the road out of his clothes. The lining of his cloak resting over the chair next to him had been recently repaired, the leather of his boots was scratched but not as damaged as the pair he’d been wearing when she’d last seen him. She eyed her dagger resting on his hip. Her cloak was folded on the table beside him, and the rest of her weapons, as well as her insignia of the guard that sat on top of it.

Neither of them spoke.

He reached for the loaf of bread on the table, never taking his eyes off her. He bit into it slowly. “Would you like some?” he asked. She stared at him in disbelief. He raised a brow when she didn’t respond, and shrugged. He finished what remained of the loaf, and dusted the crumbs off his hands and onto his trousers.

She turned towards her bonds to examine them. The insignia of the Nemarrda curved along the shackle on her wrist, ending just before the chain that was bolted to it. The other end of the chain was looped around and underneath the heavy frame of the bed. It would be impossible to free the chain from either her wrist or the bed.

“You won’t get those off,” he said as he watched her, “Not without the key. Not even the King’s High Priest could find a way to remove those through either brute force or magic.”

“Where did you get these?” she asked, lifting the shackles for a closer inspection. She sighed when he did not respond.

“I’m not here for games, Amarin,” she said. “Let me go.” She tugged the chain once more for emphasis. He made no move towards her. Instead he crossed his legs and leaned back upon the table, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his trousers.

“Why here?”

“Amarin…”

“Why here? Why a desolate border town on the edge of the Vanya Rassa with barely enough soldiers from the capital to support the guard?” He spat the name of the forest with distaste. “There are farmers and merchants upon the wall with swords they cannot use looking for demons in the night.” He nodded his head towards the window, out into the shadows of the city. From the window they could see the eastern guard tower and the soldiers that stood at attention against the dark of the forest. “The war is over now. There is nothing left but the nightmares that roam between the trees of the Vayna Rassa.” he whispered.

“It’s not over though, Amarin.”she whispered “Not yet.”. She turned her face away. He sighed, raised a hand and rubbed it to his temple. He uncrossed his legs and walked towards the bed. The sounds of his boots on the floor grew louder and the bed beside her shifted beneath his weight as he sat down.

“Einya, look at me,” he whispered. “It’s over. They won’t be back.”

“We can’t know that,” she said. He reached forward and gently tucked the strands of her hair covering her face behind her ear.

“I need to know. Why here?” His voice wavered slightly as the words caught in his throat.

“Why not?” she replied. “Does there have to be a reason?”

“Yes,” he whispered, “I need a reason.”

“What good would it do if I told you?” she sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair, yanking the strands free. “Please let me go. Unless you want the watch to be knocking on the door.”

“Is that a threat?” he teased. He reached for her left hand and when she didn’t resist he slowly threaded his fingers through hers. He leaned forward until their foreheads gently rested upon each other. She could feel his breath on her cheek, smell the ale he’d been drinking and the dust and blood that clung to him from outside.

“Einya,” he whispered, “Please tell me.” His lips moved softly against her cheek as he spoke and his hair fell forward against her face. She shuddered. He raised his head and they stared at each other. Slowly he moved and pressed his lips gently to hers. She tightened her grip on his hand and leaned forward into him. And when the moment was over, they sat there, eyes closed. The sound of their breath quietly filled the room.

She swallowed.

“I came here to pay my dues.” He opened his eyes. Her face was resigned and her eyes showed no fight left. At the hollow of her neck was the mark of the border guard, inked overtop of his name, as a reminder that she now no longer owed allegiance to him.

“It wasn’t your fault. It’s over now.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she replied.

“Einya…”

“I came here to pay what I owe.” she said, “And I will walk the wall until I have.” She removed her hand from his and met his eyes. He looked away.

“What would you have me do?” he whispered.

“I would have you release me, let me go and never come looking for me again.”

“Einya…”

“Please Amarin.” she whispered, “Let me go.” He closed his eyes. Then opened them. He rose stiffly and looked at her once more. The bridge of her nose had scarred after being broken recently, and her hair was darker than he remembered. She stared back at him with tears starting to form in the corners of her eyes.

He removed a key from his shift pocket and placed it on the bed in front of her. He made no move to touch her as she inserted it into the shackle lock. White light glowed faintly as the spell on them was released and the shackle dropped free of her. She winced softly and rubbed her fingers along the welts on her wrist.

Slowly she stood and walked towards the table. She reattached her sword to her belt, strapped the throwing knives onto her boots and fastened her cloak securely around her neck with her insignia. She took a leather tie from her pocket and tied her hair back at the nape of her neck. Once she was done she turned to face him.

“My dagger,” Her voice wavered as she held out her hand to him. He detached the sheath from his belt and handed it to her. Her fingers closed around it and brushed against his before she withdrew. She did not attach it to her belt but slipped it into a cloak pocket.

She did not say goodbye as she stepped past him, opened the door, and walked out of the room into the corridor. The door behind her remained open, the sounds of the common room quieter now as people wandered back to their beds. He heard the innkeeper yell out her name but could not make out her response over the shout of the changing of the guard as the torches on the wall flickered faintly against the dark.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

rhapsody

and within following
a rhythm of striking gold,
I am picking all divisions
of my body bright,
blank skin along 
a canvas, unshorn hair
matting against my skull,
spots of blood
and surviving murmurs
of your kiss upon my collar,
staining black, blooming
wild forms of joy
and gratification as I watch
my shadow unfurl
in your mirror,
with a grin and a laugh
as I lift up my arm to touch,
nails raw, and inch forward,
slowly,
my lips soft against glass
in rhapsody.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

apologize

at least the man
who tried to kill me
was polite
about it.

his hand
rests gently
on the back of my neck,
nails rough and worn
as he traces his way
down the length of my spine,
turning each knob
with a definite crack
until he reaches the curves
of my hips
and digs in.
sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
i'm sorry. 
my name, something other
than a curse, a rope tied tightly
around us both, just hovering
between the space of his lips
as one of us, i'm not sure who,
starts to cry. 
we are left with
his hand on my heart,
knife on my gullet,
lips pressed softly to my cheek
in prayer
as he apologizes once more
and the moment
where everything pauses
and i brace myself
for the impact.


Saturday, 4 January 2014

cannot

it is strange

and suddenly i cannot
only with the empty beat
of my heart along
the side of my rib
the hollow beneath the weight
of my stomach
built along the lines
that everything is now different
from yesterday

even when you kiss me
run your fingers through my hair
build the tension
along the base of my spine
and out across my abdomen
till you cleave my body in two
at the end of this moment

i am still whole though
still beating
breathing moving along
between the burst of my cells
and the boil of the blood
despite the possibilities
and the consequences

because you never realize
what it means to you
until you suddenly can't

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

perfect

and this is ecstatic

the beat of your body
within mine
the rush of the blood
along the length of
my limbs
as i rock forward into
your arms
laughing

i cannot stop smiling
for everything feels
perfect now

Sunday, 1 December 2013

forever

it's as if forever
could suddenly explode

and we are all liars
black along the charcoal
sweet white within
the lines of your blood
as i lean in
to kiss the red blur of your lips
but miss in a laugh
against the curve of your
cheek

some one tell me
this
will go on and on
and on and on until
the lines of each element
of my skin
become transparent
beneath the morning
light bright against the shadows
of the sheet draped
along the length of
your hips
and the scent of your hair
your face and body
mixed within mine
until i can no longer tell
when you are ending
and whether i have begun
to be able to decently
tell this story
with any accuracy

and i am still waiting
for the bomb to drop
and everything to end
each and every time
i reach in to kiss you

when i pull back
you are still smiling
though