Because I cannot find the words right now

When I recall that nevermore, alas!
That lady shall I see
On whose account I mourn with such dismay,
My grieving thoughts about my heart amass
Such sorrow that I say:
"My soul, why dost thou not depart from me...?"

-Danté Alighieri

Rise

I am free of you
as my flesh folds and knits
together over my bones,
red blood pounding,
a soft, shaky laugh escaping
as I slowly unfurl myself
and rise.

I am finally finished.

unfortunately

07/19/12

unfortunately,
this is not how i would have it.
i want your hands
on my body, teeth snapping,
ribs creaking as you pry
me open in a form
of benediction
against my sins.
i want no whispers of love,
only your arms open
to catch me, to punish me,
to mold me into someone different
from who i really am.
remake me.
for i cannot handle myself
this way any longer.

the way down

puncture this.
peel back the lashes of my eyes,
carve clean the lines of my bones
as i lay back in ectasy,
fingers crossed, hoping
that in the end you'll drain me
free of all my tears.

i hope it hurts
on the way down.

Madness Blooming

I don't think you suffer
From the realization of
Bright colors burning
Black memories churning
And floating down past the graves
I can't find the right colors
Built upon a galaxy map
Of this earth strewn wide
Carved in the images of spirits
I haven't felt in eons
I think at one point
It was possible
To kiss God
Lay back in the arms of the unknown
Spread outwards and
Bubble over into
The blooming madness of these
Cold nights
Feeling the colors of a world
Run through the chaos
Trapped beneath my hands
Pen poised to paper
As I try to spell out
A sensation I can
Almost touch
Taste
See
Be buried alive within
It all

Imaginary Lover

Hey
Are you listening to me
I'm always listening to you
Despite the fact that I can
No longer hear
Your voice

I want to see you
Laughing
Just like your ghost
As she whispers in my ear
Of a memory I silenced
And my enjoyment of
Staining the two of us
Red
With a ticket down to
Hell

You're always nineteen
With your hair long and flowing
And bruises down your back
You're smiling
As you say you wish that we were
Siblings
A relation of some kind
For blood is more definite than
An unformed idea
Sometimes I think I'd love to
Kill
That thought

I don't want to see you crying
As you curl up on the grave
And I could almost see you
Falling down
Within the mix of grass and flowers
As they grew over your
Pretend corpse
Within the sun

I want to see you sleeping
On the deck
As you create an abstract image
Against the wood
I can pretend for now
That you're mine
While I bend down with our hair
Mixing
As I steal that one kiss
That damned me

I want you to fall in love
With me
I want you to be mine
But you never say those
Words to me
In the context I want to hear
Now you're gone
And I'll watch your grave
Day and in and day out
For a shred of movement
Or a memory
To prove that you're
Alive

You used to say you loved me
When we were alone
On the deck
With the wind as it blew
The scent of flowers past us
And up into the grave yard

You used to say you loved me
Like a sister
For we were both women
You see.

Writing For You

06/20/12

I am writing for you,
about you,
the beat of my heart on the line,
the collapse of my lungs
as I breathe these words
over and over.
I find I don't know how
to deal with it anymore.